| A*SPOT'S 50 WAYS TO PISS OFF YOUR ROOMMATE. From the Dec.9/99 issue of the Ontarion. By Anthony DiBerardo (A*Spot was my pen name- don't ask.) 1. Only bathe on special occasions like Christmas and Easter. 2. Whenever the phone rings hum the theme from the godfather. 3. For a Christmas present give them a door mat that reads,”Get lost punk.” 4. Drink all their orange juice. When they confront you about it say the monkeys must have gotten it. 5. Strategic placement of your dirty socks. 6. Constantly utter the phrase “I’m gonna get you succa!” 7. Put sugar in the salt shaker then cook them up a big plate of fries. 8. One day call the cops and say they just broke into your house and tried to kidnap you. 9. Eat a big bowl of beans and wieners then hang out in their room all night. 10. Cook up a whole mess of tripa! 11. Sue the s.o.b’s for theft after they eat your last pizza pocket. 12. Emphasize how much you miss your heroin dealer. 13. Supercali Fragilistic Espialidocious, Supercali Fragilistic Espialidocious, Supercali Fragilistic Espialidocious, Supercali Fragilistic Espialidocious, see, you’re annoyed already! 14. My god Jim it’s the man from before, the man with the cape. 15. Break their favorite lamp, when they get mad at you pop a Mentos into your mouth and smile. 16. When their parents come by to drop off some food comment on how the food they’ve made tastes like shit compared to what your mom could cook up. 17. Wear their white sweater to your painting class. 18. Always try to one up them. If they eat three big macs you eat four damn it! 19. Buy a fish. If that doesn’t work buy a ferret. If that doesn’t work buy a dog. If that doesn’t work pay a hobo to hang out in your back yard. Persistence is a valuable asset. 20. Steal some meat from the grocery store. Then say “merry Christmas” and give it to them. Later that night, just before they’re about to eat that juicy steak call 522-tips and report the bastards. There’s nothing worse than a thief. 21. Ask them if their mom just had her breasts done. 22. When they are at work burst in yelling “Phill is the mutha f***in’ man!” 23. Call their prof. at home after 2 am. Ask them to recap the main points of that day’s class. Make sure to repeat your roommates student number several times so the Prof. doesn’t forget it. 24. Turn down the heat and shut off the hot water heater. If they complain begin to twitch and shout,”but what of mother earth!?” 25. If they don’t like green olives on their pizza order two pizzas with extra green olives, and one without. As you’re passing them the pizza without green olives “accidentally” drop it. 26. Playing instruments is fun and rewarding. Why not try and learn the violin? 27. Leave your Kleenexes everywhere. 28. No matter how cold it gets outside leave the windows and doors open. 29. Start building a house of cards on the coffee table and inform them that the living room is now off limits. 30. No matter how much they beg don’t give them your last Rollo. 31. Ask them what the meaning of life is. Regardless of their answer begin to laugh and say “you fool, i’ve heard more intelligent things from my ass!” 32. Get married to a Brazilian then run up the phone bill. 33. Claim you’re a Pokemon and hop around bumping into things, then stub your toe and curse their grandmother. 34. Tell them some kid just scratched their car. When they run out to see lock the door. 35. When they buy chocolate chip ice cream thaw it and pick out all the chocolate chips, then refreeze it. 36. Watch re-runs of full house and mutter “those were the good ol’ days” 37. On exam day pretend it’s the third week in May and set all the clocks ahead one hour. When confronted claim you were confused by all the bright lights. 38. Set up a toll booth in the hallway. If they refuse to pay send the matter to your local collection agency. 39. Borrow their pot to cook some pasta in then go up to your room and have sex with your girlfriend. Forget about the pasta and let the fire alarm let you know that you’ve permanently burnt a 1/4” layer of pasta to the bottom of the pot. 40. If you want to read a book don’t do it inside. Climb the tree in front of your roommate’s window. Try to make eye contact with them every couple of minutes. 41. Encourage your gangster friends to sleep over, often for several days. 42. Tell them about all the neat anarchy sites you’re finding on the Web. 43. Help them with their math homework and give them all the wrong answers. When they fail the exam tell them how stupid they are. 44. Have a keg party at their house and charge them 10 bucks to get in. 45. Claim you’re Batman and ask to borrow their car. Then, later that night, roll the “Bat Mobile”. 46. Learn a language like Italian then when you’re fluent begin to curse at them in Italian. 47. On special occasions make them hot dog soup: 3 Wieners, 1/4 cup ketchup, 1/4 cup mustard, 3 cups water and salt and pepper to taste. Mix and bring to a boil. Serve with cut up strips of heavily buttered bread. 48. On a really stormy day say you can’t dive them to school. Then tail the bus in your car laughing at them. 49. Tell them that they can now refer to you as “King of the castle.” 50. Call their dad at work and shout “oh my god, (roommates name) just shot himself in the big toe!” |